CPAP

Ok... So I may not have the best parental advice. It may be because I have no experience at all with it. So, I will tell you about my latest "thing":

I have recently been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I was reluctant at first to admit that I might suffer from this. Even though I have been told by others that my snoring might be a little loud, and my friends have told me that they noticed I stop breathing sometimes when I am asleep. I was sure that the reason I was getting up one hundred and two times a night to use the restroom was because I drank too much before I went to bed. Apparently when you stop breathing, your muscles contract in order to wake you up. This presses on your bladder and makes you have to use the bathroom. Who knew?

My doctor thought I should have a sleep study. This is when you go to a sleep clinic and sleep with all these electrode things on your head and other parts of your body. They have a camera, so the technician can watch you sleep from another room. There is no clock in the room on purpose. You can ask my sister how important it is for me to have a clock. It is not exactly the easiest place to fall asleep. I have talked to people who said they had no problem falling asleep in this environment. I on the other hand knew I would be nervous. My Doctor prescribed ambien to me, and I took a pill after the technician hooked me up to all these wires and things. I then used the restroom and saw myself in the mirror. I looked like something out of some Sci-fi movie or something.

I couldn't fall asleep. The technician had to unhook me from some stuff so I could use the restroom again, and I took ANOTHER sleeping pill. Then the technician had to make sure the wire connected to my foot was on correctly. I was laying in the bed and thought it might be helpful if I put my foot closer to him. He bent over at the same time, and I ended up kicking him in the YOU KNOW WHERE! My technician gritted his teeth and smiled acting like nothing had happened. I was laying there all drugged up feeling a little bad.

Apparently I do stop breathing a lot when I am sleeping. In order to prevent a heart attack or stroke in bed I get to use what is called a CPAP. That is me in the picture above getting ready to sleep for the night. I am still trying to get used to wearing the mask while I sleep, and it is getting easier. I have heard that after a couple of weeks of sleeping with the thing on, I will have all kinds of energy and stuff. I can't wait!

By the way... How are you planning to spend your stimulus checks?

Parenting Advice #4

The thing about teenagers. Man if I had the answers for how to effectively deal with them, I would probably have more money than Dr. Phil. They are such an interesting bunch. It is almost like dealing with two year olds. First you will go through the terrible twos which inevitably corresponds with the terrible threes. Then you will have a few years where everything seems to be going smoothly until the terrible teens. Teenagers are starting to understand that they are independent creatures, but they are still dependant on adults to guide them. I guess the trick is to let them think they are making their own decisions while you are guiding them. Also, remember that if you are talking to your teenager, that you have to allow them to respond before your rambling turns into a lecture. I remember very vividly that if my parents were lecturing me, I would be thinking about my plans for the evening or who I needed to call. I completely tuned them out. This skill of acting like I was paying attention when I wasn't also really helped me out through college. So, if your teenager is simply smiling and nodding and giving really good eye contact while you are trying to get an important point across to them, you may want to ask them to clarify something you said. It is important to be gentle with your guidance of teenagers because they are really smart little buggars who pretty much want to do the opposite of everything you tell them. So if your teenager is actually reading this blog, you might want to tell them the opposite of what you want them to do and then they might try to do the opposite of that which is really what you want them to do. Or tell them what you really think they should do, and they will be thinking you are really just trying to trick them, so they WILL do what you said, and it will be what you really wanted them to do. Just like your two year old, your teenager needs lots of hugs. Just don't hug them in front of anybody. Also, teenagers need things. They need cars when they turn 16 (If they have really good grades!), and computers (that you can monitor), and allowances, and responsibilities. Now that I think about it... teenagers are a snap!
(I take no responsibility for the outcome of any advice I give unless it turns out how you wanted it to.)

Parenting Advice #3

There often are times when parental units need a break and require a babysitter. This is very well understood, and you will find that many childless adults are more than willing to oversee your bundles of joy. In order to make this process a smooth and enjoyable experience for both your children and the one chosen to oversee them, please make sure to do the following:

1. Please make sure your DVD player is ready with a DVD you approve your child watching. The babysitter should only have to push a button which should be easy to find to start the DVD. As a parent, you may be used to your child screaming, "I want to see the movie, please start the movie..." as you are fumbling around trying to figure out which remote goes to the DVD player and which button you have to push to make the thing work etc. However, the childless adult may panic at this time and have even more difficulty trying to figure out the !@#$ complicated electronics in order to placate your child. This may result in a psychological breakdown of the babysitter.

2. If your child is going to require a nutritious meal in your absence, please make sure to have a detailed list of what food you want served, a thorough explanation of how your children like it prepared and exactly what time to feed them. Please understand the importance of which way you cut a sandwich or how you cook an egg may not bother you, but your delightful offspring may suddenly turn into a psychotic being who is unable to explain why they cannot possibly eat potatoes that have touched a green bean.

3. Please expect your child to be thoroughly spoiled by the time you return.

Parenting advice #2

For those of you who decide to take your little angels on an airplane, please make sure to get a prescription for a sedative to give your child before the trip. Those of us without children love to look at young people and admire their cute ways. This is much more enjoyable if the small creature is not screaming bloody murder because their ears are popping, or because they just want to get out of their seat to play. We (childless adults) love to see children smiling or sleeping happily on the plane. As for the children's health, I cannot imagine it is better for a child to be confused about why their tiny ears are suddenly in pain and looking at their parental unit wondering why they aren't doing something to fix it. It can't be bad for the parental unit either. Their self esteem is sure to be heightened by the comments of childless people who look into the hazy eyes of your pride and joy and say, "Your children are so well mannered! How do you do it?"

Well Yes... I guess it is true that I am an amazing Auntie. This is only made possible by the many amazing kids who call me Auntie Lynda. When you love to do something, it is easy to do. I love spoiling and playing with my nieces and nephews sometimes this is much to the dismay of the parental units of said children. The best part about being an auntie who doesn't have children is that you get to give the kids back after not saying no to them for hours at a time.

Having no children of my own, I do feel that I am the expert on how to raise children. I have many great ideas on how to deal with particular situations. Here is one of them...

If you need to go shopping and are in charge of a toddler, please find a babysitter. If this is not possible, please placate said toddler with gum, candy or whatever that toy on the shelf is they are crying for. This way, if I happen to be shopping near you, I won't be annoyed by all that screaming and sniffling.